How did it go?

We sat around a small intimate campfire deep in the desert. The end of another long day of challenging driving and epic scenery. We shared food and talked while a billion stars broke out in the growing darkness - the air so clear it felt the stars were pressing down on us as the last of the sunset faded to inky blue black. 

As we had done every day on this extended journey, we asked each other “How did today go compared to your expectations?” and then we listened to each other. Some longed for more time out of the car and exploring on foot. Others were keen to pause for longer when there was a view. Each day we refined and modified what we were doing to bring our reality closer to what people had pictured before we left. 

Those expectations we have of each other, of the experience and environment seem so obvious and tangible to us - so much so that it seems reasonable to expect that everyone around us shares them. Because they are ‘obvious’ it’s easy to charge forward and then wonder why there’s a mismatch or simmering tension. 

I’ve do the same thing with teams working purposefully on something together. “How did today go compared to your expectations? How could we do better?”. It doesn’t take long. People feel seen, heard, engaged. Shared understanding and increased effectiveness blooms. That means more progress, better decisions, less frustration and do overs. 

Because our expectations seem obvious we sometimes forget to make them visible until things are not working well. Sometimes that's far too late.

When and where would a shared conversation about expectations be useful to you?

No Match!

My legs burned as I slogged through the dusty, energy-sucking sand. All we had seen for hours were the straight depressing rows of plantation pine. Monotonous and hard! It’s never an appealing combination.

The problem was not the walk itself, it was a mismatch between expectations and reality. My friend had told me it was mostly single lane walking through unspoilt banksia forest with magnificent sweeping views. There were short sections that matched his description and then more grinding through plantations.

Expectations are the thief of joy. I’ve heard the statement attributed to Theodore Roosevelt or Buddhism. Whoever said it, it has a ring of truth. When we expect something different from reality, the mismatch causes disappointment. The problem is, our expectations are often not even clear to us. We experience disappointment, but usually take aim at the situation we are in, not the expectations we hold. And it shows up in traffic, in teams, in delegation, in customer service, in relationships. Kinda everywhere!

We could guard against disappointment by never having expectations. But there’s a human superpower in expectations.

George Bernard Shaw said “The reasonable person adapts themselves to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to themself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable person.”

When have you been disappointed by expectation?

Right to disconnect

I keep running into leaders who say “I choose to do a lot of my work after hours and send lots of emails at night or the weekend. I don’t expect my staff to respond, but they do.”

If you do this it will set the expectation for many of your staff to respond, even if you explicitly state that you don’t expect them too. Expectations come from many sources:

• Notifications - if someone has their phone around them all the time, and notifications on, at the very least, they’ll see the message come in. Even if they choose not to respond, it will be on their mind.

• Standards - You are working after hours which sets an expectation that others should too, especially if you hold a senior position.

• Boundaries -  Some people and cultures have difficulty saying no to others. If you breach their boundaries, they’ll respond. 

• Old ways - It used to be said ‘never leave the office before the boss’. It’s changing, but it’s an enduring idea. If you are working any hours, it easily morphs to ‘don’t knock off before the boss’.

• Behaviour - You may not expect a response, but if you get one, do you respond again? This draws staff into an after hours discussion that your behaviour reinforces, even if you say you don’t expect it.

The new legislation is likely to get some leaders in strife for after hours emails like this, regardless of what they say about expectations. There’s a dead easy solution. All email platforms have a timed or delayed send feature. Learn to use it! Write your emails whenever it suits you, then set it to send during working hours. Simple, cleaner, better.